tbs2539

I’m here again living with another episode of depression. I cry each and every morning despite my efforts not to. I get anxious tackling the most simplest of tasks and lack the confidence to tackle activities I normally enjoy. It’s been a while since I’ve written a post and I’m hoping writing will help me focus on getting better instead of wallowing in self pity. Thankfully this episode I’m not spending hours alone in bed with suicidal thoughts, desperate to escape from life.

I have chosen not to go to hospital this time as I think I can manage with the help of my psychiatrist and psychologist at home. It’s a struggle but I know it will pass. Just how long that takes is unknown.

In the meantime I go to Yoga, meditate, exercise, try some sewing and read a lot. I’m so grateful I can do these things this time round. I’m working on ways to improve each day and today writing has helped. Here’s to better days.

I think I’ve written about gratitude before but I feel the need to write about it again.

Practising gratitude is a powerful tool to use to help you appreciate what you have not what is missing. It also helps you look at your life from a positive perspective. I have found it very helpful. All you need is paper and a pen.

Write down daily three things you are grateful for. I write in my diary just before I go to bed. Lately I’ve been sporadic in my practice so I’m working on being more consistent. I have found it makes me more positive and even on those bad days I can find something to be positive about. It fosters contentment and love of oneself.

I wish I wasn’t so mind numbingly tired. I wish I could wake up in the morning not feeling nauseous. I wish I had an appetite. I wish I could walk along the beach. I wish I could hug and kiss my grandsons and share a home cooked meal with my children. I wish I was home and able to see the progress on the two renovated bathrooms. I wish Dave and I could share a crime drama on Netflix. I wish I was well.

This was written whilst I was in hospital being treated for depression. It was my fourth admission in fourteen months. I was devastated and frustrated. Why me, I cried. It’s not fair that I should be dealt this genetic curse. Despite the setbacks, I survived to live another day knowing that despite my dire situation I would get better each and every time I have a depressive episode. How much better does that make me feel knowing there is light at the end of the tunnel and in time I will see the light.

My roadblocks are thoughts that I am having difficulty accepting. Right now my most common thought is that I’m finding it very hard to accept that my depression and anxiety is a diagnoses that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

My experiences with depression and anxiety are mentally and physically challenging times that I always hope will not raise their ugly head again. It’s hard, really hard to say… it is what it is. But I must live with it because I have to live with it, the only other choice is death. That’s pretty grim!

I guess with each descent into a black hole I have to say…this too will pass. No matter that I always get better it is hard to hope for recovery when so many experiences of depression are plagued by unbearable anxiety. Anxiety that tries to make every positive into a negative.

I have experienced depression and anxiety since I was forty that’s twenty- three years of devastating lows. Recently I have had four stays in hospital in fourteen months. It has been a desperate battle to recover and attain equilibrium. Slowly, very slowly I am acknowledging my lot in life but still find it difficult to accept that I have a life long mental health diagnoses and there is no doubt I will have more episodes.

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. An anxiety attack can be debilitating. It can stop you in your tracks and send you into a panic attack.

I’ve had enough of anxiety. It’s disturbing, it’s all too frequent and it’s difficult to control. I just want some help to manage my anxiety attacks and the depression that goes hand in hand with them. Hopefully relief will come soon. Writing this has been hard but has once again proved to be a good distraction and it’s kept me out of bed. I’m still anxious right now but step by step I’ll calm down.

Reading is something I love to do so when I can’t read due to my anxiety and depression I’m devastated. This time however things were different. I really made a huge effort (not that I hadn’t in the past) to read and it worked.

A friend lent me the biography Becoming Michelle Obama. I’ve struggled at times to concentrate but pushed on regardless and now I’m near the end.

Yesterday the hospital rang to say that a bed will be available soon (yay!) so I’m really pushing to get this great book finished. I recommend you find out for yourself about this amazing woman.

Today I had a haircut something that needed doing weeks ago if only I had had the energy and motivation to have had it done. Finally, when I could no longer stand my fringe in my eyes I decided to make an appointment. I also chose the luxury of having a shampoo too, something I haven’t done in years. This was a big deal, finally doing something I’d been worrying about for weeks.

When I’m depressed and anxious I feel exhausted mentally and physically. My mood swings are unpredictable and my worrying excessive. Coping with a mundane task like washing up or having a haircut is challenging but today I did both as well as unpack the dishwasher. This was a pat on the back moment for me but then when I returned from the hairdresser I burst inexplicably into tears and had to go and lay down just for a short time where I regathered my compsure and brought back my focus to the present moment.

I’m trying so very hard to be mindful and not dwell on things to come. It’s a challenge but I’m trying everyday to stay in the present moment. Writing my blog/diary helps me to stay focused and today I’m going to try some sewing. By the way this post took forever to write but I finally finished it. Another accomplishent.

Today is Lewis’s 35^th birthday. I often wonder what he would look like, where he’d be living, what he’d be doing. Would he have a family to celebrate with? I never forget him but I especially remember him on his birthday and the anniversary of his death.

At 21 the age he died he was handsome, funny and just starting to study at Uni. He had many friends and enjoyed some outrageous pranks just for the laughs.

Today the sun is shining and the cicadas are raucous just the kind of summer day to remember someone really special.

---

 [RM1]

Yesterday and today I have felt very fragile. Apart from the obvivous depression and anxiety I have not had much of a clue why some days are worse than others and on those days I can fall to bits. Just like the ocean critter a Brittle Star. Did you know that a Brittle Star which is not a starfish is named for the ease with which their arms break off when touched. The amazing thing is they can regrow the broken arm. These animals, known collectively as ophioroids, are also called serpent stars (ophis means snake in Greek) because their long arms resemble serpents. Apparently there are 2,100 species of Brittle Stars living in our oceans.

Anyway, for some odd reason I thought of myself as a Brittle Star today. An animal that can lose a limb and grow it back again. I can have days that make me feel very brittle but I’ll repair myself.

Resilience is a word we have heard over and over in recent times. Typically defined as the capacity to recover from difficult life events. I constantly have to remind myself that despite my down days I can regenerate.

The most frustrating part of my depression journey so far is having to wait so long, nearly three weeks for a bed in a psychiatric hospital. I suppose I’ll have to remind myself of all the Brittle Stars we have in our oceans.

Again I find myself in a deep depression. It is so hard to deal with since it came back so quickly following my discharge from hospital. I’m frustrated, angry, sad and too many other emotions to describe. It has been many weeks since I last wrote a blog. I was hoping it may help me in some way express my feelings but I’m not really sure of what to write or if I can write. Usually I find the writing easy but now in this moment I am lost for words. I don’t want to go to hospital but I need access to the professional help it can provide because I can’t get it at home.

This will be the fourth admission in fourteen months. It’s difficult to understand and accept my plunges into very dark places where thoughts of suicide are ever present. I have had episodes of depression now for the last twenty-three years. You would think I had a handle on things by now but each episode is just as hard as the one before it. I am slowly learning that my anxiety and depression is a life long illness and I need to be better prepared for each episode. I have been listening to a podast by Douglas Bloch an author, mental health educator and a person who has experienced first hand anxiety and depression. I am learning a lot. Here is one phrase that has helped me. It too will pass.