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Patience is a virtue so the saying goes. Unfortunately when I am unwell I’m not very patient. I want to be well yesterday. Even though I am making small steps in the right direction I feel keen to hurry things up.

All good things come to those who wait. Well I’m sick of waiting. I’ve been living with depression and anxiety for weeks and I’m over it.

I’m sick of anxiety paralysing me with fear so even the most mundane activities remain a hurdle I find difficult to get over. I’m tired of waking up feeling sick and worrying how I will get through each day. I’m sick of worry. I’m sick of feeling sad. I’m sick of it all and I’m trying to be patient but it’s frustrating that I’m still not well.

I guess I just have to be patient and over time I will get better.

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Anxiety can sometimes be inexplicable. Creating problems where once there was none. Causing paralysis instead of action. Manifesting it self in strong body sensations like a pounding heart.

A simple task like washing up has caused in me a great deal of anxiety until this morning when I finally overcame my avoidance of the task. I managed to unload the dishwasher and clean up after last night’s dinner. Simple you say but not for me. I’ve been avoiding washing up for weeks leaving Dave to cook and clean up. Cooking is another thing I need to work on. I enjoy cooking but not when I’m unwell. Luckily Dave is a good cook.

It sounds so stupid but it really was a problem which I needed to tackle. With the help of my psychologist and something called behavioral activation I was able to wash up this morning.

Behavioral activation breaks down tasks into small achievable steps. The most important part is to praise yourself with each step completed. The hardest part I find is getting started.

It’s a relief to conquer one part of my anxiety. Now I am working on getting out for walks which has become a frustrating problem I have not been able to get over. Maybe tomorrow I can try a walk further than my letterbox.

I find writing cathartic. A couple of years ago I started a blog using Word Press. I have no idea how to use most of the features available in Word Press but I muddle along. I even bought a Word Press for Dummies book which is incredibly long and detailed but am still no clearer on most of the features.

Basically I write and sometimes share by publishing and sharing on Facebook. I share because I hope that somehow my writing will help others who like me have Bi-polar or anxiety and depression.

Most of my writing is about my mental health experience and how I have learnt to live with Bi-polar. It has been a long journey of twenty four years with these last couple of years being the most difficult. I have tried many different drugs and three different treatments. I have been suicidal and in hospital many times. I have survived.

Now I find writing is an outlet that has helped me in my journey. I’d really like your feedback if you find my writing helpful just a like or a comment will encourage me to keep writing.

Yesterday fourteen years ago my father died. I miss him. He was a larger than life character with strong opinions and a great sense of humour. I remember sitting with him listening to The Goon Show on the radio. He would have tears streaming down his face whilst many of the jokes went over my head.

My father gave me many things. He gave me shelter, he gave me nutritious food, he gave me a strong moral compass and best of all he gave me love.

Unfortunately, he also gave me osteoarthritis, bunions and depression. All things I wish I never inherited. It is well known there is a strong genetic link to depression which I did not escape from.

We grew up experiencing my father’s episodes of depression where he would lie in a darkened room and we three kids would have to creep around the house trying to be as quiet as possible. Although I knew something was wrong I never knew what it was. In those days they called it a nervous breakdown.

Eventually he received the right medication to allow him to lead a normal life. Now I am hoping that I am getting the right medication which will allow me to lead a normal life free from anxiety and depression. Each day is getting better and I’m looking forward to happier days.

It’s taken a long time for me to accept that I have a disorder that will be with me for the rest of my life. Bi-polar disorder manifests itself in different ways. Basically a person with Bi-polar will experience periods of mania or hyper-mania that is an elevated mood and times of depression, low or very low mood. This can be different for each person.

In my case I experience periods of very low mood coupled with debilitating anxiety. I can be suicidal. I occasionally have times of elevated mood. Symptoms of which can include being able to operate on reduced hours of sleep (insomnia), racing thoughts and speech and an increase in activity.

I have had some highs but mostly I have lived with periods of deep depression which has had a huge impact on my life. My struggle is this, I have to acknowledge I am Bi-polar but not just that I need to accept I will live with Bi-polar Disorder for the rest of my life. It will not go away, it can’t be cured and it can be deadly.

For the last 24 years I have had bouts of depression and anxiety. The last few years have been particularly bad with one episode after another. I have had countless different drugs and treatments and several admissions to hospital.

Now I am on another drug and holding out hope that this will help lift me out of the black hole I have been in for many weeks. I am so looking forward to a brighter future one in which I can smile and laugh. One in which I can cope with everyday tasks without being paralysed by anxiety. One in which I can appreciate the everyday moments without being overwhelmed.

Now with this new drug I have a glimmer of hope that my life will return to normal and the dark days will be left behind. I hope this one works.

I have emerged like a moth heading for the light. How good is it to feel positive and happy. Free of anxiety and panic attacks. I can go ahead with little to be concerned about and everything to look forward too.

At first it is a surprise because I was a doubter. I doubted getting better. I doubted being able to stay out of bed and I doubted I would attain a position of truth and hope. I struggled with hope on a daily basis and tried to believe I was getting better. Mostly I failed when I was unwell. Now I have a powerful sense of hope, love, joy and peace. I can live in the present, look forward to the future and not dwell on the past. How good is that? The only thing I’m not sure of is why I am tired and listless some of the day. This could be due to changes in medication or just the fact I am doing more. Who knows? I’m over the moon that I have rediscovered contentment.

Today I had the pleasure of feeling well again. I’m not referrring to physical wellness but rather mental well being. It’s an amazing state to be in. It’s like looking at yourself through a shiny new microscsope. One that was given for free.

How does one explain such a turn around in the heart, such a somersault with the mind. It’s all old but new again. Instead of weighing you down it has the weight and strength of spider’s web. It’s wildly colourful as if replicating a kaelidoscope, a rainbow of patterns. It’s that feeling that has no equivalent for me any any other aspects of my life. It’s the pride in wrestling joy back. The feeling that the battle is won but there are no solitary victors. How can one describe the feeling of getting one’s life back to the one that was known and loved.

I am so happy tears are welling up in my eyes. It has been so very, very hard these last few months and that’s not including the months preceding these last few. I have a long history of Mental Health disorders. I have an enormous amount to be grateful for.

I want you to share a prayer with me and thank your Higher Being for the love bestowed on you each and every day. Say it sincerely as it should be said and say it with love.

This past few weeks I have experienced mood swings which are a challenge to deal with. Some days I’m dealing with very low moods. These are the times where I break down crying for no apparent reason. At these times I wonder if I’ll ever know ‘normal’ again. Most often during the course of the day I will improve and carry on without anxiety pounding on my confidence. One of the hardest things to do is to try to react to circumstances in a calm way.

Over time I have become very good at putting on a brave face, of pretending I am happy when I’m not and enjoying what I’m doing even though my mood is at rock bottom. My daily roller coaster is exhausting and always frustrating. I have found that if I try and do something I like it will often but not always lift me out of a funk. Unfortunately, I’m not always able to look positively at my circumstances but it’s definitely worth a go. Gratitude plays a big part of developing a more positive attitude.

Grab something to write on and on a daily basis write three things you are grateful. This comes highly recommended. You don’t have to be unwell to try this out.

Today writing my blog/ post has been just what I needed to feel better.

It has been two months since I had both knees replaced. Initially in pre-op I was very anxious about having such major surgery and worried about how much pain there would be. Looking back I need not have worried. Sure there was pain but there was also plenty of pain killers available when ever I needed them. The hospital was comfortable and I spent the ten days on the ward as best I could. There was a gym at the hospital where I went twice daily to practise exercises I would continue to do at home. Now I have an excellent local physio who comes to me twice a week. This has meant I don’t have to be driven over an hour to the hospital gym.

The two months looking back, has gone quickly. Physically I’m doing well with my left leg in no pain. The right leg is the painful and frustrating one so I’m working on it. Now I try to walk a short distance twice a day gradually increasing the distance. On Sunday I managed to walk one of the local beaches at low tide with the aid of my walking sticks. It was a stunning sunny day to be on one of my favourite beaches.

Underlying this time out of hospital I was trying to manage yet another bout of depression. At first it was extremely difficult, now thankfully my depression is manageable but not completely gone. My psychiatrist has recommended becoming part of a Ketamine trial in Sydney. We are at the very beginning of the process so I can’t tell you yet what will happen. Ketamine is a drug used to help people who have ongoing episodes of depression that are severe and or drug resistant to other antidepressants. I’m hoping of course it will be successful. If you want to know more you can check out the various links on the internet.

These are my knees covered with ice packs a few days after surgery.