Blasted!

Depression and melancholy can literally be deadly! Way too many people attempt or commit suicide because they have lost all hope.

I understand this only too well. I have voluntarily put myself into hospital four times because I had lost all hope in the possibility of climbing out of that BIG BLACK HOLE. I have come to the point where I thought I was incapable of helping myself because my small world was BLASTED into a million pieces.

Spike Milligan recorded this little episode in one of his extremely funny books. He once sent his wife a telegram asking for mushrooms on toast for breakfast. He was “stuck” in bed feeling absolutely dreadful. His wife was in the kitchen downstairs.

This is what happens to me too. I stay in bed paralysed with anxiety, become confused, socially isolate myself but fear loneliness. I have no appetite and rarely eat. I sometimes walk furiously hoping this will cure me. I rant and rave in anger at depression grabbing me again and I harass my family with behaviuor which is not helpful at all.

Now I have learnt the hard way with each cycle of depression that I can HOPE. I must HOPE that I WILL get better. Still not easy to do (ask my family) but I am learning positive behaviour does have a positive effect. Kicking and screaming I mentally pull my physical self out of bed (sometimes an extremely difficult thing to do) out of the cocoon that is my doona then struggle to face the day. I swear my bed has a magnet pulling and pulling me into it’s comforting arms.

Now I recognise the signs and try to head off depression as best I can. Not always successfully but at least I have a go.

Depression and anxiety is extremely exhausting. At first I thought I must have some type of debilitating disease, now I know differently.

The years have passed since my first diagnoses of depression. I have learnt to practise positive behavior using both my mind and body. I can do it now by pushing myself to socialise, talk on the phone, read and generally try and tackle one thing at a time. This is now called mindfulness.

It is not easy to do when even getting out of bed is challenge. I give myself a tick even if I only reach the lounge to lie down. I have pulled myself out of the bedroom cocoon and practised being a beautiful butterfly. If only this one task is achieved it all helps on my road to recovery.

Enough for now…