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This morning was a challenging one. In fact, many mornings are challenging. Thanks to modern psychiatric medicine, psychiatrists and psychologists. I’m still standing and breathing. Words though are tough little buggers that don’t always do want you want them too and sometimes they disappear altogether. Where do they go?

Tomorrow it is twelve years since our funny, smart, clever son Lewis died. He was 21. He had Leukemia. I held his hand until it went cold. I kissed him and told him I loved him. I  really loved him. I write this with tears trickling down my cheeks. How does one describe grief? I can’t do it now. Words just do not come. I often think what he’d be like today as a 33-year-old man. He’d still be funny, smart and clever.

I end this post with Jeff Buckley’s version of a Leonard Cohen song Hallejuiah. I always cry when I listen to this. Grief is tough. Love is tougher.

 

 

 

I’m struggling to write in my journal so I’ll tell you three things I did today and my three gratitudes.

Firstly I got out of bed. When you are severely depressed getting out of bed can be very, very, very difficult. That’s a big positive.

Secondly, I went to aquaerobics. Exercise is a well-known factor in improving mood. Some of it was challenging but I did it.

Thirdly, I collected lemons off a friend’s tree. Now, I can squeeze them and freeze into ice blocks so we can have refreshing sparkling water with lemon ice blocks.

Now for the gratitudes and there are many but I’ll just give you three. Can you guess? I can get out of bed. I can exercise and I have lemons.

That wasn’t as hard to write as I first thought.

Here’s a favourite song by Joan Armatrading and a refreshing drink.

It’s not all plain sailing for me over this past month as I muddle along through each day. Mostly not knowing if I’m going to be curled up in bed feeling as dark as the rainclouds I wish we would get or looking at a rose and thinking how blessed I am to be able to see such a perfect creation.

I listened to Richard Vidler interview Kate Forsyth on Conversations. Kate has written a book called Story of a Blood Red Rose. Which tells the origin story of a fairy tale story of the ever-flowering red rose. Worth a listen too. Now I have the ABC Listen app I love to be able to listen to Conversations anytime I want. Today I hope I’ll be able to listen to The Chair with five legs.

I also have the Spotify app so I’ve got a huge selection of music I can listen to. Yesterday I listened to Chris Whitely’s Album Dislocation Blues. Chris was an American blues/rock singer-songwriter and guitarist who died in 2005 too young at the age of 45. He had a 25 -year career, producing two dozen albums some in collaboration with Jeff Lang an Australian singer-songwriter-guitarist who recently played at Milton Theatre. Which is a small local venue with superb acoustics.

Today I think I’ll listen to Oli Brown. He is a British blues guitarist and singer-songwriter. He has released three studio albums and one live album. I think I first listened to him last year and has since been hooked.

If I still have more time I’ll probably be listening to Jethro Tull, not sure which album yet. I first saw Jethro Tull and the amazing Ian Anderson in Brisbane about 1977, then again in Sydney in 2017 (I think).

Now after another rambling piece of writing what to choose a colour and some sound. First one of my first photos of a rose.

Secondly Chris Whitley performing Big Sky Country off his 1991 album Living With The Law.

 

Over the last month, I have been waking well before the sun. It’s a wonderful part of the day. However, there are so many days I would prefer to be laying quietly snoring beside my loudly snoring husband.

I’m positive that he too would prefer I was not clattering around in the kitchen preparing breakfast and drinking a minimum of three or four cups of Rooibos tea. A very satisfying African Red Bush Tea that is decaffeinated and for me my drug of choice. At the present time. I think I just finished my fifth cup!

This tea features frequently in the series of books by Alexander McCall Smith who writes about The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency. This is usually not my choice of reading matter but at 5 or 6 in the morning it’s the only type of reading matter I can concentrate on for any length of time as my cognition is impaired by my depression/anxiety. Trying to follow a challenging plot and remember characters is impossible.

However, as the day moves along I can tackle something more challenging. I recommend Boy Swallows Universe by Trent Dalton I just finished it recently. That Deadman Dance by Kim Scott and All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr both I read many months ago and would read again. When my scrambled brain will let me.

Being able to read is a significant positive when I am unwell. It calms my anxiety and diffuses the dreadful thoughts. Last episode of depression I was unable to read. I tried and tried but it did not help. It was a devasting!

Getting up before the sun is not fun for me just because I often feel lower in mood with thoughts of doom and gloom and almost crippling anxiety. That’s when I need to BREATHE often a challenge. Focus on the moments also a challenge. Now the medication is starting to give me a window of hope. YAY! I hope their positive effects will continue to hold me in a stable flying position.

A bit of a rambling journal today. Just to be silly here is one of our ex Bantam Roosters who crows after I get out of bed. I played around with this one in Photoshop.

 

It’s been eighteen months since I last wrote on my blog. I’m a bit rusty. It’s taken at least ten minutes relearning how to use it. I hope in the end it makes sense.

About four weeks ago I fell into an emotional black hole. I didn’t just slide I plummeted into a space of high anxiety, constant low moods and thoughts just too dreadful I don’t want to recall them.

Living life with mental health diagnoses is definitely a challenge. I don’t appear to have any triggers or circumstances that cause me such mental anguish. I do know that there is a family history so genetics plays a huge factor from what I’ve read.

Here I am once again on the Bi-Polar roller coaster and it’s not fun. However, I must keep telling myself I always get better. That’s the hope I hang on to. The fact that I’m journaling here is a good sign that my black mood is shifting towards the light. I’m sliding into serenity (I hope).

Here is a link from the Black Dog Institute that may help you understand Bi-Polar if you want to know more.

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/clinical-resources/bipolar-disorder/what-is-bipolar-disorder

Here is a photo of SERENITY I took on the Karuah River earlier this year.

 

Today I witnessed an amusing spectacle of very small sailing boats becalmed at Little Manly. A sailing “school” I assumed as they floundered on the spot and their sailors yelled and laughed at each other. They capsized multiple times into the mirror finish water. What fun but how frustrating to be going nowhere. One boat was amusingly named Breaking Wind.

Going nowhere describes how I feel when I’m depressed. Capsizing yes. Yelling yes. Laughing no. It’s hard bloody yakka treading water going nowhere, silently screaming…when will I get better. 

Fortunately, despite my constant misgivings I always get better. Thank goodness!

There is nothing like travel to make you smile. The experience of another culture, stunning architecture, friendly people and the beauty of the natural environment all make for a happy mind. Our world never ceases to amaze me.

How you respond to life experiences will determine what your life will look like. All of us have a choice. It is this response that determines our life journey. 

If we want to be happy we can choose to act happy no matter what our circumstance. If we want to live in hope we can choose to have hope and in so doing ignore despair. If we want to love then that is what we choose thereby ignoring hate.

Each and everyone of us has a choice in how we respond to our circumstances. This ability to choose is the root of happiness. Choosing love over hate and hope over despair determines the quality of our life.

What will you choose?

Sunrise Brush Island Bawley Point.

Depression lies. It batters my soul and squashes my self-esteem. It’s relentless and it’s exhausting. As it pounds me into my deepest darkest valley I give up. It’s an overwhelming weight that appears to have no end in sight. Depression makes me think there is never going to be another day of happiness for a long, long time.

Depression is a cruel master who seeks to destroy the joy I crave. It robs me of reason and fills me with doubt. How convincing it is. How deadly it is. However, I know it won’t last and I’ll recover but the wait is frustrating. 

Depression lies it does so in such a convincing manner I believe I am no longer good enough to be alive. As terrifying as this thought is I try to tell myself I will get better.

Depression lies. It convinces me I’ll be unwell for a long time. I am ready to give in but I have to keep hanging desperately on to the hope I will get better. Without this hope I am dead.

Depression lies! My life is worth fighting for. This is the hope I cling on to.

I want to live a life I enjoy. One that I am content with. I want to put my best self out there everyday. Why? 

Life is about appreciating the present moments. I make an effort not to hang on to my guilt from my past as well as my fear for the future. After all I cannot change my past nor what is to come. 

I’m not saying I do not have regrets nor worries. I am saying I try not to hold on to my guilt about the past and my fears for the future. It will drag me down. Guilt and fear are a waste of energy, because I can’t undo my past and I  can’t predict my future.

 I acknowledge my guilt and fears, I just don’t hold onto them as if my life depended on them. 

I live in the here and now. The present moment. In doing so I cultivate contentment for the present day. This is how I live. Content with each day as it unfolds.

Live not in your past, nor try to predict the future. Live in the here and now. The present moment. How much time do you spend on guilt and fear. Think about it?