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This morning I slept in till six. The birds had long been up. Both the Little Wattle Bird and the Red Wattle Bird started the morning with their raucous call. The Eastern Koel was there amongst our fruit trees. I think it’s taken a liking to the Loquat as well as the fruit of the Sandpaper Fig. Dave and I caught a glimpse of a male in a Gum close to the house. It was hidden behind a curtain of leaves so there was no chance of getting a good photo.

I had a good day yesterday (except for the 4 am start ) and one small episode of feeling low. I managed some writing and some sewing. I also managed to get out in the garden. Yahoo! I walked up the backyard to my veggie patch. My goal was to water the garden, I felt good. I noted how much the corn had grown since I first put the seeds in the ground. Each plant was nearly half a metre tall. The flat-leaf parsley from tiny seedlings had grown quickly. We now have enough for a decent bowl of Tabouli. The perennial Basil had recovered from the insect attack. I had sprayed it with a concoction of Chilli and Garlic several weeks ago, that was before I became unwell. I ate a small strawberry and continued to water the leafy greens. A few plants have gone to seed so I pulled some of them out and threw them in the compost pile. Hopefully, more Rocket will self-seed. I saw the tomatoes were at least three times the size than when I put them in. They need staking, that’s a job for another day.

Look at me I thought I’m in the veggie patch. I’ve watered, done some weeding, thought about staking the tomatoes and it felt good. Not one episode of doubt or anxiety while I was there. Going into the veggie patch was a small step forward towards breaking down one of the mental barriers I had erected. It’s difficult to explain what these barriers are you’d have to get inside my head to understand. I felt like I was seeing through the clouds. At last, what a relief.

This is a photo I took at the Galle Fort produce market in Sri Lanka. Aubergines or as I call them Eggplant.

 

 

Compassion (noun) a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

Is compassion innate or do we learn it? The old nature or nurture dilemma. I believe we learn it. Why, because I have learnt compassion. I was not born with compassion. I was offered it and I accepted it. It is part of my spiritual journey.

Compassion is a value on which I base my life. It is a value attached to my heart, a feeling born of my spirit. Compassion is a value that connects the mind and body with the spirit. Compassion is a value I hold up as an example to others. Compassion is the hand and face of love.

Ignore compassion and you ignore love. Sweep compassion under the carpet and you ignore love. Choosing not to shine the light of compassion towards others you ignore love. Ego, greed, pride, lust is the reality of ignoring love.

I am troubled by current world leaders or those who wish to be leaders displaying a lack of compassion. Is it by ignorance. No! It is by choice. They have chosen themselves above all others and in their selfishness they have pushed compassion away.

What can I do about this? I can live my life based on the twin values of love and compassion. There but by the grace of God go I. I chose neither my place of birth nor my time of birth. What I can choose is how I can live my life as an example of compassion and love. Can you choose this too? Yes you can!

The following is a poem written by Stanley Miller Williams called Compassion.

 Compassion

Have compassion for everyone you meet.

even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,

bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign

of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.

You do not know what wars are going on

down where the spirit meets the bone.

Here is a video clip of Lucinda Williams singing her father’s poem off the album Down Where the Spirit meets the Bone.

 

It’s 4:25am I’m up I can’t go back to sleep. I’m worrying about quilting. I’m worrying about measurements of quilt squares and how many squares I’ll need to make a single bed quilt. Everything in quilting is in inches. I’m worried about wasting fabric. I’m worried about the possibility I’ll have to buy more fabric. I’m worried. I’m anxious. I’m trying to convince myself it’ll work out in the end. Just sew and find out I tell myself.

When I was growing up Dad always said you had to have a plan. He was a perfectionist. He wasn’t comfortable without a plan.  Dad loved to tell people what to do and give them a plan that he had devised. Even if they didn’t want it he gave it to them anyaway because as he would explain his plan was the best one. He used to say, “ten bob and I’ll organise.” I think it must have been a common saying in those days. Dad used it a lot. I think I’m not being unkind by saying he was a control freak.

The word bob was sometimes used for the monetary value of several shillings. Back before decimalisation which started in Australia on the 15th February 1971 I remember finding threepences and sixpences in my Nana’s Christmas pudding. We were never allowed to keep them because Nana recycled the coins. She would hide them away in a jar so she could carefully tuck them into next year’s pudding. Nana must have known decimalisation was coming. Her coin recycling continued past 1971 to keep the Christmas pudding tradition alive. I wonder where those coins are now? Nana’s Christmas lunch was legendary. I loved my mum’s mum, my Nana.

I don’t think I’m a perfectionist like my father but a little of that has rubbed off on to me. I do believe I am a person who wears their heart on their sleeve. If you wear your heart on your sleeve, you openly show your feelings or emotions rather than keeping them hidden. I’m one of those people.

Why else would I share my journal writing with others? Exposing my inner feelings for all to see. It’s because I care. I care about myself and I care about others. I’m doing it for a reason. I want my readers to have a better understanding of mental health diagnoses and I want to nurture in others feelings of compassion towards people who do have mental health disorders.

I’m struggling a bit here for words. Is it too early to be writing? I’m not sure. It’s more likely because here I have come to a point where I want to write about a value close to my heart. Compassion. If someone shows kindness, caring, and a willingness to help others, they’re showing compassion. This is a word for a very positive emotion that has to do with being thoughtful and decent.

Compassion is one of my core values.  Compassion means temporarily suspending judgment so that you can appreciate others’ perspectives or situations when they are different from your own. To be compassionate you need to be genuinely concerned about the other person or people’s needs. I’ve written about Compassion back in 2016. I think I cried writing it. If I can work out how to share it again I will.

Compassion is the ability to feel for another living being. Empathy is the ability to not only understand another’s feelings but also to become one with that person’s distress… to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what they’re going through in that situation.

I write for myself and for others because I think mental health disorders are one of the least understood health issues. It’s not as easy to explain as a broken limb. It’s often hidden and is frequently misunderstood by people who have not experienced it themselves or had close exposure to it.

Money for mental health support services is grossly underfunded, especially in the public health sector. I’ve heard too many harrowing stories from people who have been badly treated in the public system. Rural and remote communities are badly catered for by government agencies and people who don’t have the ability to pay for private mental health facilities often find no place to go to at all.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, exposing my true emotions and making myself vulnerable by letting it all hangout. I wear my heart on my sleeve because I want you to feel for people with mental health issues and I want you to show some empathy towards them. If just one person benefits from my writing I consider that mission accomplished.

The owl spirit animal is said to represent a deep connection that you share with wisdom, good judgment, and knowledge. The owl also possesses insight and feeling. I took the first photo at the Kuala Lumpur Bird Park Malaysia. I was allowed to touch some of the owls and have my photo taken with them. A wonderful experience.

 

 

 

 

I was looking for an image of a heart on a sleeve when I came across this t-shirt. I want one. On second thought I want seven that’s one for every day of the week. Each one a colour of the rainbow. A black one too. No white, I’m a messy eater.

This post started as most of my journaling starts as a thought bubble that blows around until I caste it forever into print. I don’t know where the ideas come from.  Some would call it going with the flow. I am unsure if that’s what it is. My thoughts come in a rush. I’m always clicking on the save button so I don’t lose my train of thought. I may never get it back again.

One minute I was in my sewing room up to my ankles in fabric (for another quilt). The next I was at the laptop typing madly with two fingers because I had a thought bubble that I didn’t want to forget. I’m mad, slightly askew, a little off centre and maybe a tiny bit manic but that’s ok because it is what it is.

Do I need a dictaphone to capture my thoughts? I did a quick search on Google. Surprise, surprise there is a dictaphone app. Do I need another app? I most certainly do not! Maybe I do. I can already check the local weather, do my banking, make health care claims, listen to music (Spotify is awesome) and listen to the radio all using an app and I have more! They are multiplying across my devices.

Is there an app for life? Yes, there is. Another Google search reveals eleven Goal Setting apps. Check them out. I haven’t used one so I make no recommendations. I know there is an app to monitor sleep patterns. I was given a recommendation for one by a fellow patient when I was in hospital. It was quickly deleted, way too complicated. I went back to my diary writing so much easier for me.

https://www.bustle.com/p/11-goal-setting-apps-that-will-help-keep-you-on-track-12961869

Just this morning I received a text asking me if I wanted an app so I can book and confirm appointments with my GP. It’s called HotDoc. I downloaded it this morning over coffee at the pool. Later creating a login was a bit trickier because our mobile reception at home is unreliable. Finally, I succeeded in creating an account and checked out the app site. Now, I can book and confirm appointments via the app. I’ll give it a go next time I need to make an appointment. I’m thinking the old fashioned telephone might be easier but I’m up for a challenge.

I was going to write about wearing my heart on my sleeve. Instead, this writing took several unexpected twists and now ends with Penguins. In 2015 I was fortunate enough to go to Antarctica. On the Salisbury Plain mum and I shared the space with a lot of King Penguins. By one accounting this particular population numbered 250,000. The fishy smell of penguin shit was heavy in the air. The birds appeared to be bemused by the tourists. I was able to get this shot of the second-largest penguin in the world.

How did I get to penguins? Sleeves and hearts might be a post for another time.

I woke again with the sunrise, it was 5:25. I wish I could sleep in. Sleeping in is usually a sign my depression is lifting. Alas not yet. I have a little routine in the morning to keep me going until the medication kicks in. It helps to keep my anxiety at bay. I shower, eat breakfast, read my book, perhaps wash up then write my journal. I write slowly at first then when my brain kicks into gear it’s a bit easier to do. I am a bit foggy this morning like most mornings. It’s a challenge to put my thoughts into words.

At the moment multi-tasking is stressful for me. I need to be doing one thing at a time and one thing only. This is living in the moment. This is how I try to control the frenzied thoughts that crash and bang around inside my head. Living in the moment or mindfulness is not an easy thing to do. It needs continual practice. It involves slowing down and using all your senses. Be like a Sloth I tell myself.

I’ve been doing a lot of sewing since I became unwell. It has become a therapy just as journaling. I try to read, it’s not easy to do when my thoughts keep jumping elsewhere. I really need to do more than sewing and journaling but I have mental barriers that pop up and say you can’t do that you’ll get too anxious and I freeze. This is frustrating. I’m not sure how to break through these barriers. I’m going to talk to my psychologist soon she will help me just as she has in the past.

I finished my last quilt block yesterday. In time I will piece the blocks together making a quilt top. A few more steps to go until it’s finished. It is wild in colour but the pattern is simple. Now I want to make a quilt from some of the scraps of fabric I have in my fabric box. I’ve found a quilting video tutorial that looks easy. I need something simple that doesn’t require a lot of thinking. Something that isn’t too demanding. I want to avoid anything that is too complicated. I want to be able to focus without becoming anxious. Anxiety is awful!

I unwrapped my new book WordPress for Dummies the other day, my heart sank. It’s about 5cm thick and is in a tiny font. I felt very discouraged I hadn’t realised it was a compilation of eight books in one. Not only am I discouraged I’m kicking myself for buying the book in the first place. Yesterday, I found some information in the book I wanted to use. I read through it twice, sat down at the laptop and read through it again step by step. When it came to the part about unzipping a zip file I was lost. Disappointed in my lack of understanding of such things. I tried again this morning. No luck. Frustrating! On line video tutorials are numerous, I don’t have the patience at the moment to find a good one. What I need is a personal assistant sitting next to me guiding me through every step. Some online tutorials want you to pay for them. I’m not prepared to do that.

Now I am going to aqua aerobics to get my morning exercise therapy, to let off steam and forget about a book that has the wrong title. Dummies don’t know about zip files. I do now how to sew in a zipper.

This photo of Koi Carp in a feeding frenzy was taken at Kuala Lumpur Bird Park Malaysia. I interpreted in two ways. This is like me in a frenzy of thoughts and actions or this is me having fun at aqua aerobics.

 

 

When I was growing up our family regularly sat in the lounge room listening to The Goon Show. Starring Spike Millian, Peter Sellers, and Harry Seccombe. Spike was a British comedian, writer, poet, playwright, and actor.

As we sat around the radio Dad would be slouched in his armchair choking with laughter tears running down his cheeks. I didn’t understand all the jokes so I took my cue from Dad when to laugh. These were some of my fondest memories of Dad. The cartoon at the top of this post featured on the back page of the order of service at Dad’s funeral. Dad and Spike were forever linked.

Years later I listened to some of The Goons episodes again. It brought back many fond memories.  Dad in his favourite armchair and the three offspring sitting cross-legged on the carpet. I have no memory of where my mother was I expect she was there with a cup of tea in her hand.

I  have read most of Spike’s books some about his wartime experiences like “Hitler My Part in his Downfall” and some books written for kids like “Badjelly the Witch”. I regret in a fit of bookshelf culling I gave most of my Milligan books to the local library. I still have two books left The Essential Spike Milligan compiled by Alexander Games and Memories of Milligan by Norma Farnes. I need at this point in my life to laugh a lot. You know what they say laughter is the best medicine so last night I bought one of Spike’s books. The first of his war memoirs.

When my Dad was forty he was unwell. He used to spend hours in bed in a darkened room. He wasn’t able to work. My siblings and I would creep about the house as quietly as possible so as not to disturb his fragile temperament. Any unnecessary noise was not tolerated under any circumstances. We didn’t understand what was going on. It was difficult for three boisterous kids to keep quiet. Eventually, Dad was told he was having a nervous breakdown. Nowadays it’s called depression or a depressive disorder.

One day I had a phone discussion with Dad explaining I was unwell. He knew straight away what was wrong. He sent a letter to me and told me to take the letter to my GP. Dad knew before the GP I had depression. The Doctor read the letter and gave me a diagnostic questionnaire to fill in. I remember how difficult it was to do. I was in a mental black hole, sitting in a waiting room full of people I didn’t know ticking boxes and trying not to cry. Funny how some moments in life stick in your mind. I was recalled back to the GP’s rooms. The doctor had one quick look down the checklist to confirm I had depression.  Just as my father had predicted. I was forty.

This was the start of my roller coaster journey into mental health disorders. I won’t go into details except to say there have been a few episodes of mania and many episodes of deep, deep depression. A few trips to hospitals (mental health facilities) and more recently a diagnosis of Bipolar.

There are many forms of treatment for mood disorders. Dad once told me that the medication he took saved his life. I can say that too. He told me never to stop taking my medication. I tried stopping once. I thought I didn’t need it anymore. Dad was right. It wasn’t a good decision. Since then I’ve had many different treatments. Not all of them worked. I’ve recently been told I have drug-resistant depression/Bipolar. It’s tough and I’m emotional just writing this post because I’m sick and tired of being unwell but I have to try to stay positive. I can say I am better than I was a month ago so that is progress.

I really can’t add any more to this post. Except to say Spike Milligan was manic-depressive too. There was a reported episode in Spike’s life when he was in a bad way in bed. He sent a telegram to his then-wife asking for mushrooms on toast for breakfast. I don’t know if this story is true or not. It makes me laugh. Maybe they were magic mushrooms. Spike died at the age of 83 in 2002. I’m glad his legacy lives on.

Here are bits that are taken from episodes of The Goon Show. My guess is if you are under sixty you may not have heard the Goon Show before. Take a listen there is nothing like a Goon.

 

These past few weeks my life has been like a broken metronome. If you are unfamiliar with metronomes they are a device used by musicians to mark time at a selected rate by giving a regular tick thus helping them to keep a regular beat. When I was having piano lessons from about 10 to 14 years old, Miss Pope my spinster teacher kept her metronome on top of the piano. I could keep a beat and sing in tune but scales and anything to do with the Bass clef I failed. In fact, I failed most of my piano exams. Probably because I always cheated on my practice sessions at home. I would run from the piano go upstairs without being spotted into the kitchen and fiddle with the timer on the oven clock. When the bell rang my parents thought I’d been working on my piano skills for at least an hour but I knew differently. 

Now I need to cultivate a metronome device for my mood so that I can bring it into a regular rhythm, without the daily ups and downs. This is a challenge I’m working on. The first strategy is to write down in my diary three things I did today and three things I’m grateful for. This is a way of staying focused on the positives, rather than dwelling on the negatives. The second strategy is to focus mindfully on what I am doing thereby appreciating all the little moments of my life and the third strategy is to practise positive self-talk. Sometimes I don’t write in my diary but that’s okay.

Here is my diary entry for today.

Three things I did today. I bounced around in aqua-aerobics with about twenty other women (and one man) whilst listening to The Beatles White Album. My right knee was painful but the music was worth the splashing about. After that, I had an x-ray on that same knee hoping that something can be done about the pain. Finally, I managed to stay up past half-past eight! I’m still awake now at 10 o’clock. I think that’s a good sign that I’m moving in the right direction. I hope.

The three things I’m grateful for today. I’m grateful for the spelling and grammar checker. I can recommend Grammarly it’s just like having an online English teacher. Thank you, thank you, Grammarly. I am grateful I can exercise even with a sore knee and lastly I am grateful for modern medicine which has helped both my body and mind. Oh, one more thing I am grateful for the book Word Press for Dummies. It arrived yesterday and it’s still in the box waiting for me to delve into the mysteries of Word Press.

I hope you’ll listen to this video. I couldn’t find a decent live video of  Accentuate the Positive but the lyrics are what’s important. The original was published in 1944. The music was written by Harold Arlen and the lyrics by Johnny Mercer. Dr John who died recently does a wonderful cover. He was a fantastic keyboard player.  Enjoy.

Yesterday I didn’t go to the pool because I had an appointment with my GP to look at x-ray scans of my right knee. Once I could see the pictures of the bones and read the radiographer’s report. I understood why my right knee is so painful. The bones crunch together all the time. Ouch! I have an appointment to see an Orthopedic Surgeon in a couple of weeks so I’ll find out soon what will happen next.

We have a lot of stairs in our house and I’ve been having a lot of trouble going downstairs because of the pain in my knee. At times I’ve even resorted to sliding down the carpeted steps on my bottom because it’s faster and far less painful. Going upstairs is difficult as well as it’s difficult to push up using my right leg. I’m falling apart but I’ll still go to the gym tomorrow and avoid the exercises that cause pain in my right knee. I missed going to the pool today and splashing around with the other ladies. I don’t want to stop going.

I noticed there are people every day doing exercises in the hydrotherapy pool I know some of them have had knee surgery. I wonder if I’ll be using the hydrotherapy pool soon.

Exercise promotes a healthy body and mind. Exercise produces Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins. They are the quartet responsible for our happiness and there are ways we can intentionally cause them to flow. Exercise is one of them.

I’m still doing Yoga which I’ve been doing for a few years. I’ve been going to two classes recently a Yin class and a Yang class. I really enjoy the Yin class. Yin yoga stretches and targets both the deep connective tissues between the muscles and the fascia throughout the body. The aim is to increase circulation in the joints and improve flexibility as the poses stretch and exercise the bone and joint areas. It also helps us to regulate the body’s flow of energy.  I love the relaxation at the end of both yoga classes it’s called Yoga Nidra. It’s a great way of stilling my mind and staying focused. When I’m unwell I have to try that little bit harder to stay in the moment. I imagine it is like a sedative stilling all the chattering monkeys in my head.

There are four primary chemicals that can drive the positive emotions you feel throughout the day: dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. One of the ways to release endorphins is to exercise. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Sounds good to me.

Exercise is good for the mind and the body. I will continue to follow my exercise routine because it’s a vital part of developing my overall wellness. Here is an interesting article about hacking into your happy chemicals.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/hacking-into-your-happy-c_b_6007660

I’m off to aquaerobics now to get me some endorphins. Here is some music I listened to yesterday, I enjoyed it. Despite my ups and down there are good times when I feel happy. Yesterday I felt happy listening to this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s important to stay positive whilst in the process of becoming well. Thoughts questioning when will I ever get well or will I ever get well are of no help whatsoever. However, they do pop up regularly and need to be addressed.

Bipolar is a life long disorder but it is manageable with professional help.

When it comes to managing bipolar disorder, it’s really important to develop coping strategies for use in everyday life. Don’t try to manage it on your own it’s just too hard. There are a lot of different strategies you can try that will help with the day-to-day management of your mood.

Monitor your mood using a chart or you could use an app. Here is a link to some Bipolar apps. I haven’t used one myself but I will take a look at what’s available.

https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/news/news-detail/2017/04/12/apps-for-bipolar-given-thumbs-up-by-consumers

Limit stress. Don’t over-commit yourself.

Take your time in making decisions. Ask others to help you. This is important to avoid making unhelpful decisions that may negatively on your life.

Build a good support network. Other people can be there when you need to talk about your more difficult moments as well as they have an outsider’s perspective on your moods.

Join a support network. It can be reassuring to hear from people who are going through similar experiences. You may have one locally or you could find one that suits you online.

Exercise is a proven way to help you manage mood. I have joined a local gym. I go three days a week for weight training or Aquaqerobics.

Take time to relax. Relaxation is effective in reducing stress.

Avoid drugs and alcohol. These can make your moods worse.

Take medications only as prescribed. Never make changes to medication without talking to your psychiatrist or GP.

Make a suicide Safety Plan. Prepare how to manage low moods and suicidal thoughts. I made one I found on Beyond Blue whilst I was in hospital. Here’s a link.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Make a wellbeing plan. Keep a record of your plans for how to manage sleep and routines, how to manage highs and lows, and details of contacts if you need help. Make this plan with your mental health professional and give a copy to family and friends.