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Today is my sixteenth day in the hospital. I am doing well and considering the possibility of discharging next week. The idea is exciting while at the same time it makes me a bit anxious. I wonder if it’s the right decision. Fortunately, nothing will be decided without first discussing it with my doctors.

I am excited about going home. Swimming in the ocean, sleeping in my own bed, hugging my family and friends. I have so much to look forward too. I will be forever grateful that we continued to pay for private health insurance. I have been admitted to three different hospitals and this is my seventh admission into the best of the three.

If you know of someone struggling with their mental health encourage them to talk with their GP as soon as possible. The sooner the better, getting help before things escalate is the best advice I can give. There is no harm in seeking help but there is the very real potential of an escalation of emotions if treatment is put off or not sought at all.

Mental health comes with many challenges but known of these challenges can be dealt with if you don’t acknowledge you have a problem in the first place. Sadly, stigma may play a part in ignoring the warning signs and this just complicates the matter.

If you know someone who may be dealing with the symptoms of a mental health disorder encourage them to seek help as soon as possible. There is no harm in seeking help but there is a great deal of harm possible if nothing is done.

After nearly 14 days in hospital, I have at last a sense of hope of recovery. Hope in the knowledge I will leave here in a far better frame of mind than when I came in. Halejuliah!

Prior to arriving here, I was extremely anxious and depressed and had almost lost sight of ever being well again. Of course, I should have known better and gone to hospital earlier but should’ves and could’ves are not positive thoughts nor are they productive.

It was a huge relief to arrive at the hospital. A feeling of gratefulness surrounded and comforted me. At last, I would be given support every day around the clock by all the staff. Something I would not get by staying at home.

This morning I feel a little fragile due to having too little sleep over the last few nights. I don’t know why this is happening. I will need to make more of an effort to practice good sleep routines before I go to bed to help me wind down. I think I will use a bit of Yin Yoga and relaxation before I go to bed.

My arthritis has flared up over the last onfew days and wakes me up at night. A yoga class helped to stretch out the painful areas and relaxation helped me to focus on the moment rather than the pain.

Yesterday I had time out of the hospital with my sister Julie and my niece Michelle. We ate fish, chips, and ice-cream on the promenade. I wished I had my swimmers with me. It was so good to be near the ocean but not as good as Bawley Point. I think when I get home going for a swim will be up the top of my list of things to do after seeing the family.

Today Julie and I are going to the movies to see Little Women. I’m looking forward to another day out of the hospital. The facilities are excellent here but I do feel cocooned from the outside world.

I am finishing up with some relaxing ocean music.

 

 

Every morning I stand in front of the kitchen window washing up. I see birds in the bird feeder and birds on the birdbath. I see kangaroos eating whatever is left of the green grass which is not much. I see dying trees and miraculously some still green. I try to focus on the green the alternative brown and dying fills me with despair.

There is a drought now in so many places. Dusty, brown and crackly. Places where young children have never seen rain. I can’t imagine not knowing rain, the smell, the sound, the touch. The purifying quality of water.

I look out the window and I see a Sandpaper Fig with a sparse covering of leaves. Now brown and yellow leaves sprinkled around its trunk outnumber the green ones.

I look out the window and see a Plum Pine just metres from the fig covered in bright green leaves. This same tree not long ago had a Ring Tail Possum build its dray amongst the dense foliage. Selection of the fittest? I don’t know. I despair. Then I see the Tree of Life and I feel hope.

 

Unfortunately, since my last post which was full of hope I have not got any better. Yesterday, I decided to ring a mental health hospital in Greenwich Sydney so I can be admitted. I have no doubt this is the best direction to take.

I am disappointed that it has come to this but I am desperately seeking an end to three months of anxiety and depression. My daily mood swings have become unmanageable. I have been feeling hopeless, helpless and desperate.

Hopefully, I will be admitted to hospital on Monday. It is not a decision I have taken lightly but the alternative (staying home) is no longer in my best interest.

I have been in hospital previously so I know what to expect. There will be reviews of my medication and progress throughout my stay by psychiatrists. Group discussions led by pscyhogists, art therapy, music therapy, gym and yoga classes and good healthy food. Pity no aquaerobics (a bit too much to expect).

I will miss my family and home, this decision was not made lightly.

Bipolar is a lifelong illness and it has at times been difficult to accept. I am looking forward to experiencing joy and happiness as opposed to depression and anxiety. Occasionally, I ask myself if admission to hospital is a good idea then I look at my current mental health and know yes it is for the best.

Ever since we had to evacuate due to fires threatening our small village I have been unable to write my journal till now. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was having to evacuate which changed my usual routine. Maybe it was the extra stress being away from my normal environment.

Now I am starting to feel better and can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am hanging onto that hope tightly. Without it I have nothing to look forward too.

I have been good at covering up my feelings only letting them show in private. It’s been hard and a real struggle but things are looking up. Thank goodness for family who have nursed me in my times of total despair. Thank goodness for modern medicine which is now reconnecting all the receptors in my brain allowing me to feel more positive about each day.

It may not be smooth sailing but I try to focus on the positive which gives me the confidence to carry on. After three months of depression and anxiety I am looking forward to the next day.

This morning there was a splash of rain and the magical call of a Grey Butcher bird. Wonderful!

I’m very tired this morning having risen early after a late night out. I am hoping that I’ll be able to have a nana nap sometime today.

Last night we went to see Angry Old Men at Milton Theatre. They called it a Rockumentary one of several dedicated to reproducing the work of musicians both alive and dead. The four-piece Australian outfit we saw consisted of a Bass Guitarist, a Rhythm Guitarist, a Lead Guitarist and a Keyboard player who were all accomplished players.

Milton Theatre is an excellent venue being small and having great acoustics. The volunteers who take the time to ensure the theatre continues to run do a fantastic job keeping the patrons happy.

I knew all of the artists the band covered and I knew most but not all of the songs. Some of the musicians they featured were Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Tom Waits, Johnny Cash, Neil Young, Willie Nelson, Nick Cave, Tom Petty and many more. Apart from the music, there was a continuous video playing in the background which showed some snippets of information about the artist’s life. One musician I’d like to find out more about is Leonard Cohen. I don’t know much about the man or his music. I really enjoyed our night even though this morning I am very tired.

I’ll leave you with Neil Young.

Earlier this year when I was in hospital I was in the habit of writing at the end of each day three things I did and three things I was grateful for. When I returned home the habit stopped. I need to start it again. Noting what I did each day and recording the things I was grateful for on a regular basis was an excellent way to highlight the positives in my life. I have found no matter how shitty my day was there is always, something to be grateful for and there is always something I did that I can write about. Even the most trivial things I regard as an achievement.

When I was very unwell earlier this year one achievement for me was getting out of bed and having a shower. Another was eating breakfast and the third was attempting to read a book. These are everyday activities that most people manage without any drama. For me, at that point in time, these were goals I’d set myself and I managed to achieve them.

Yesterday three things I did were Yoga, sewing and watering the veggie garden. Three things I am grateful for,  I can read, I  can walk even with a painful knee and I can go to aquaerobics. This is a powerful tool to do on a regular basis because it helps me to focus on the positive. Maybe it will help you too.

This is a photo taken in Kakadu National Park. I am grateful that we were able to make this trip to the Northern Territory.

 

 

I wrote this a week ago but I thought I’d still share it. A week after writing this post I feel like I’m making baby steps forward in terms of how I manage my anxiety. At times I’m as fragile as glass other times I feel “normal”. The goal remains the same I want to return to a balanced set of emotions. This is what I wrote a week ago.

I went for a walk this morning I was full of anxiety so I tried to distract myself by noting some of the things I saw around me. I spotted a Kookaburra perched in a gum. Kookaburras always look smart don’t you think. Of course, there were the Eastern Grey Kangaroos who are always around our place many with joeys. An amusing sight was spotting one female with her offspring who was headfirst in its mother’s pouch with only its legs and tail sticking out. It amazes me how the mums can carry such big joeys. I also spotted a large egg split open under some trees by the side of the road. Could it have been a Channel-billed Cuckoo egg? I thought I saw an adult near where the egg had fallen. On reflection, I think it may have been another bird’s egg as I had not heard the raucous calls of the Channel Bill.

General anxiety is a disorder. By definition, it is when the victim (me) is constantly worried or fearful about situations or things that normally wouldn’t bother them or others. Anxiety is a normal part of our emotions. However, high levels of anxiety can become a medical disorder. Anxiety disorders lead to excessive nervousness, fear, apprehension, and worry. That’s me in a nutshell. (Note a week later I feel I am a little better).

It’s so frustrating to be anxious a lot of the time. I think often about the time when I’ll not get up in the morning feeling nauseous. When I’ll not become agitated if I make a mistake. When I’ll not forget what I’m doing because I’m excessively worried about something else.  When I’ll not go to bed worrying about the next day. I look forward to the day when I’ll be like I was before 28th September. Two months is a long time to be depressed and anxious. I am exhausted by it.

I  live in hope. Without hope, I wouldn’t be here. Life is a challenge at the moment but hope allows me to carry on. Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m still in the tunnel looking at the light and trying to get closer to it.

One of the locals.

 

I have always loved reading. As a youngster, I loved being read to before bed. I also loved reading under the bedcovers with a torch when the light was switched off. I thought my parents were ignorant of my nighttime reading. I bet they knew what was happening when they saw me bleary-eyed in the morning.

My favourite books were The Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton, Snugglepot and Snugglepie by May Gibbs and anything by Doctor Seuss. The Cat in the Hat was my favourite. His hat and red and white socks were like magic to me but the rhyming words were the best. If only I could remember them now. Doctor Seuss was an American author who published 60 books, 46 books were specifically for children. I think they were for adults too. He is widely recognized for his contribution as a writer, poet, cartoonist, animator, screenwriter, and filmmaker. He died in 1991.

When I was teaching the best part of my day was reading aloud to the children. I loved to read Morris Gleitzman, Paul Jennings and Roald Dahl and more. Roald Dahl’s books have sold more than 250 million copies worldwide. The Twits by Roald Dahl was read so frequently in the classroom it fell apart so I bought two more books as backups. Even the older students asked me to read aloud to them it was a time everyone enjoyed especially me.

Fortunately, during this bout of depression, I can read. During previous bouts of mental illness, I have not been able to read at all. Very, very frustrating. I think this was due to my anxiety which affected my ability to concentrate on plots and characters. I was able to listen to audiobooks which was a relief.

Now thank goodness I can read. Hallelujah! A life without reading is not ideal. Recently I have read Boy Swallows Universe by Trent Dalton. This book has been partly drawn from the author’s own experiences. Set in suburban Brisbane with wonderfully described characters I really enjoyed it. I have also read several Kate Atkinson books.  Life after Life and a God in Ruins are both great reads. Human Croquet, Emotionally Weird and Behind The Scenes at the Museum I found humorous. Finally All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doer is an excellent book. I am so glad I am part of a local book group. Having to read and then discuss a book once a month encouraged me to continue reading even when I thought I couldn’t.

Where would we be without books? I can’t imagine. Spare a thought for those people who can’t read or don’t have access to books. Something most of us take for granted.

 

 

 

 

Sewing is an anxiety killer for me. It’s a diversionary activity which allows me to focus on something other than my worries. I have been making quilts for a number of years now but I still consider myself a novice. The patterns I follow are either my own or someone else’s. This episode of depression I couldn’t wait to get a printed pattern so I found some brightly coloured strips of Batik to make 10″ squares. When I get around to sewing the squares together it will make a big Queen size quilt. I didn’t realise it would be so BIG. I started sewing before I really thought about it. It’s not finished yet. I need to lay it on the floor and decide where the colours look good together. It’s a task I will tackle this week. I hope.

I also found some Japanese fabric in my stash. Again I started without a pattern. I made lots of 10″ squares and figured out I could make a Single bed quilt and a throw on the lounge to use on the cooler nights. With the remaining offcuts, I am making some placemats and a table runner. There has been many mistakes and time spent unpicking stitches. I have learnt now to walk away when I’m tired or anxious as that is when I make mistakes. I am still enjoying sewing and am beginning to get closer to the end of my projects. I have in mind another project but for now, it’s just a thought bubble.

Here is another QS bed quilt I made years ago. There is a big mistake in the pattern. Luckily I did not worry about and it was too late to unpick.