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I’ll be in hospital at least another week. With ECT therapy on Wednedsay and DSM therapy starting during week. Not overjoyed but my goal remains to stay in remission so whatever it takes. I will have to be vigilant to ensure I can do this.

I have come a long way since arriving in hospital a week ago. ECT has turneded my life around almost instantaneously. A week ago I was suicididal, agitated and at the end of my mental rope. Thankfully despite COVID19 I was able to get into hospital and onto the ECT programme almost straightwaway. Forever grateful to Dave for managing me when I have been unwell and driving me to Sydney to hospital. Now look at the me today. Eating, going to gym and art groups and other therapy groups. I am so much better.

Another day in hospital starts early before 6 with ECT (look it up). I am having this therapy early in the morning. If you want to know more look up Electro Cunvulsive Therapy. It’s too hard to explain. It has really helped me so far. Other group therapies are good too. This week COVID restrictions on visitors in the hospital have been eased and we will be allowedto go walking to from and in the park. Which is is another easing of COVID restrictions.

Yesterday I was hit by fatigue. Not just hit punched. If I’d ever had chronic fatugue I would say that’s what it is but I can’t say that because I don’t know what chronic fatigue is like.

It is so bad that after doing something I have to go and have a lie down to recover my energy. Even sitting is exhausting. I have spoken with my GP and my psychiatrist and am hoping it is not the beginning of another episode of depression as this has happened before. In the meantime I do what I can and rest often. I had two naps yesterday and I actually fell asleep. This may interfer with my night time sleep but there was no way I could keep my eyes open and concentrate. If I do have these little energy naps I do feel better for a while until the batteries wind down again.

There is not much I can do about it except try to do something that keeps my mind active like writing this blog. I’ve been doing Yoga Nidra and Yin Yoga but I find Yang (Hatha) Yoga too taxing on my joints. That’s the other part of my fatigue. It is the pain in my joints from the hips down. I went walking along Murramarang Beach a few days ago and it felt good to be outside of the house. I walked painfully slowly and the next day my legs complained loudly.

Still there are lots of things I can do that are not so physically demanding. I can read, I can sew, I can cook, I can do Yoga Nidra which is very relaxing. In the meantime I have to think positive and say to myself this will not be forever.

As each day passes the numbers of positive Covid 19 positive cases increases. It’s easy to feel uneasy. Easy to feel impatient wanting it all to go away. Unfortunately it’s not going to go away just yet and some are predicting months til restrctions can be lifted. I can’t say I’m used to it but I accept that this is what I’ll have to live with for a while to come so may as well get on with things.

Yesterday was day 11. I processed all the photos for the NZ book and ordered one copy. Looking forward to seeing how it turned out. I made Goan Eggplant Pickle using eggplant and chillis from the garden.

Today is day 12 I’m going to make sure I go out for a walk along the beach today as I feel sluggish and I’ll do a Yin Yoga Video too.

I hope everyone else is managing especially if your in self isolation. Remember this will pass but in the meantime make the most of these beautiful sunny days. The weather is wonderful of late as it always is in Autumn, the best time of year on the south coast. Make sure you do the things you enjoy, one thing to pamper yourself and one thing to help someone else.

Today I leave you with this butterfly one of the many entertainers at Womad. NZ.

Day 8 of isolation.

This morning there were a few tears of frustration due to insomnia. It’s not surprising. I have been operating on a tiny amount of quality sleep for at least two weeks now so when I went to wash up it all became a bit too much and the tears flowed.

I have ordered some CBD oil capsules to help with the insomnia and also to keep my anxiety and depression at bay. I’m impatient for their delivery.

Cannabidiol (CBD) is a cannabinoid, a type of natural compound found in cannabis and hemp. … CBD doesn’t cause a high like THC. CBD does have some positive health benefits, like helping people with anxiety and depression. If you‘re seeking out CBD as a means to get high, you won’t experience that. Whilst the experience of being on a high would be a bonus that’s not what I’m after.

Currently I am not taking any anti-depressants which is good, I hope. However, I’m concerned that this may not last long. Which is why I’ve ordered the CBD oil in the hope it will be all I need it terms of treatment for anxiety and depression. I found out in the process of ordering just how much is avaiable on line. I made sure I did a bit of reading to help me decide what to order.

I’m also hoping it will relieve my insomnia which has been particularly bad over the last three nights. Normally, I am a heavy sleeper who doesn’t have trouble staying asleep. At the moment I have no problems getting to sleep it’s staying asleep from 1am onwards. It doesn’t help that the house next door is being rebuilt and power tools are started at 7:30 just as I start to drift off. Anyway, I wait with some impatience for the oil and leave you with one of New Zealands unusual and unique birds the flightless Takahe.

You would’ve noticed it’s been many days since I last wrote in my online journal. Today is the first day of a new chapter hopefully not the last.

We left home early March for a holiday in New Zealand. Before we left I was unwell. I was managing to participate is some activies but on the whole I kept my anxiety and depression to myself. It has been a very difficult five months, the longest I have ever been unwell ever. It was a tortuous few weeks where not a day passed where I wasn’t worrying uncontrollably about anything and everthing. Then the best thing happened…

A week into our holiday I started to relax, I stopped taking one of my medications because I judged I didn’t need it anymore. Normally I would never do this. This particular medication was taken PRN which means to only take if needed. I had also ceased my antidepressants which hadn’t worked. Everything was looking good. I did for a short time worry about becoming unwell again. That has happened before when I was well on holidays and unwell when I returned. I was starting to think I had some deep down psychological issues about being at home and now we are required to self isolate.

Despite being in day five of a two week isolation period I have managed to stay sane. I even baked some blueberry muffins today using the berries Mannie, Artie and myself picked at the Blueberry Farm before Christmas. This feat is significant as I have not baked anything in months because I didn’t trust myself to produce something edible. I’m also cooking dinners again and actually enjoying it.

I have managed a lot of things today. I made some cordial using the lemon juice cubes I had frozen and I mixed it with some Ruby Grapefuit juice I squeezed from the last of the fruit. I made some more photo cards too. I’ve plenty more things to keep me occupied which I’ll write about another time.

Meanwhile be amazed at this photo of Dave and I going white water rafting on the Tongirro River in NZ. I amazed myself! With general unfitness and a knee that needs replacing I never thought I would be able to participate and enjoy it.

Till next time Robyn

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Unfortunately it has not all been smooth sailing since I came home from hospital. Anxiety has returned and I find myself struggling to fight it off but I’m not going to let it get the better of me.

I’m doing an online course via Mindspot.org.au and it’s helping. Recently it talked about avoidance how people avoid places, people and activities they think will trigger anxiety. I realise that I have been avoiding activities which I think will make me anxious but I’m working on it.

This morning like most mornings I had to fight the urge to go back to bed and avoid the day. I think I’m getting better at staying out of bed and finding activities I can do that keep my mind off the feelings of anxiety. Most importantly I try to praise myself for all the things I do.

I’m not quite there yet but I’m heading in the right direction. Positive thinking, rewarding oneself, going out or talking to family and friends all helps. My biggest lesson I’ve taken away from this course I’m doing and my time in hospital is you have to believe in yourself and make things happen rather than worry about what might happen.

Home. Happy to be here present in the moment. Some not unexpected anxious thoughts to acknowledge and let go. Constantly telling myself to be kind to myself. It’s not a race, more one foot in front of the other. Feeling incredibly tired but trying not to think of this negatively rather I’m just adapting to being home and the weariness will pass. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Good news I can go home on Friday. I’m looking forward to seeing Bawley Point in all it’s glory. Returning to the place I have called home for the past 35 years is something to look forward too. Hugging family and friends, swimming in the ocean, the bush both burnt and green, the birds and roos and the community spirit I have missed. Together they paint a picture of my home.

It’s funny how I miss the everyday mundane things. My stay in the hospital has been a positive experience for 95% of the time. The remaining 5% has most likely been attributable to living in a hospital environment, with a schedule for meals and activities. Which has been very helpful in getting my life back into a comforting routine.

I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again never take for granted what you have because you never know when it will be gone. I implore everyone to take care of themselves and others. If you or someone you know feels depressed for a period of time longer than two weeks seek professional advice immediately. It’s so very important that you reach out and help each other. Nothing is more important in my opinion than good mental health.

Imagine you had all you need yet you still couldn’t enjoy it. Imagine you had all the love you needed yet you couldn’t return that love. That is what depression is. Twenty plus years of experience has led me to say this. Don’t let yourself or a loved one suffer any longer.