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I’ve had a difficult time over the past couple of weeks having fallen into a deep depression that saw me admitted to a mental health clinic in Sydney. Now I am able to go home. I hope I never have to go through such a black time again. I spent days with high anxiety and days wishing I was dead it is too dreadful to recount but writing about it helps. I know now it’s not my fault when I fall into a black hole. It’s the chemical imbalance in my brain. I know now not to blame myself when I need to go into hospital to receive treatment to restore my brain to balance once again.

Now I am going home and I’m looking forward to my own bed and walks along the beach but above all I am looking forward to seeing my family. I am a little apprehensive about going home and leaving all the support I had in hospital. Once I get home I will be taking it slow and putting into place all the things that will help me stay well.

I can can look back to when I was admitted to hospital and recall the great distress I was in. Today I can reflect and see the progress I have made thanks to medication and support programs. It’s been a really difficult time and now I am ready to come home.

As I get closer to going home I need to plan how I’m going to manage being at home without the support I get in hospital. I need to be armed with strategies that will cultivate good mental and physical health. One important way is to ramp up my mindfulness practice.

I have learnt over time how important cultivating a daily mindfulness practise is. In hospital I have spent time looking up online mindfulness practice. I have finally found the package that I’m looking for. One which looks like it will suit me by providing all the resources I’m looking for. I had to pay for it but I think it will be worth it.

I have realised how important diet is and I have thought about my meal planning. I have realised how important exercise is and I have started to plan my exerise routine for when I am home. Yoga will be a big part of my exercise routine. Online I have found and downloaded online Pilates classes. I have not started them yet. I’ll let you know how I go.

I will have to have some treatment as an outpatient which will involve driving to Sydney once a week. This is a big committment but I am determined not to relapse again and this treatment is an important part of my recovery.

All in all I will dedicate my time at home to preventing a relapse. I am determined not to have to be admittted to hospital again

I will also start up where I left off with my hobbies of photograpy and quilting.

Finally I will ensure I keep in regular contact with my medical team. I was doing this but the consultations were not regular and they need to be.

Maybe it’s time you look at your health care plan. Does it need tweaking as you age and pass through different phases of your life? Are you happy?

At last, I can see an end to the long dark tunnel of my depression. For a while there I could see no end in sight to my dark thoughts and feelings. Now optimism is most likely to be at the forefront of my thinking.

It’s such a relief to have this outlook and to have the energy for the foreseeable future. There was a time where the future looked bleak and there were no happy endings. Now I feel optimistic about the future and I can see happy endings everywhere. This certainly makes the future brighter and something to look forward to rather than something to steer away from. Not long ago I was avoiding thinking about the future because it appeared it was full of doom and gloom. How happy I am to have my thoughts about the future proved wrong. It’s so good to have something to look forward to. It pays to be patient and ride out depression because it will pass.

This evening I was told I can go home next Tuesday the 18th. I am excited. Hospital has once again been good to me and delivered on its promises of dragging me out of my deep depression I am extremely grateful that it has. Now I just have to do all that I can to prevent a relapse. How do I go about doing that you ask? Well, there are many things I can do.

First I can get fit. Over the years I have physically fallen in to decline and I need to build myself up to be physically fit.

I am supposed to have a knee operation, a full replacement and to ensure a good recovery I need to work on my fitness. In particular, I need to strengthen the muscles around my knee.

I intend to go back to aqua aerobics in order enhance my aerobic fitness. I also intend on going back to gym to build on my muscle strength so my joints can use my muscles easily.

None of this is hard it’s just a matter of dedicating time which I intend doing when I get back. With my new smartwatch, I just ordered going back to aqua aerobics and the gym should be easy.

It will also ensure those feel-good hormones are being cultivated in order to give me a balanced mental health view. I’m happy to be planning this and intend on carrying my plan out throughout the rest of the year. Hopefully, Corona 19 virus will allow me to fulfill my plans.

There was a time where I thought I never would reach this point. I am relieved I finally have. I’m looking forward to going to the gym and pool and riding my bike as well.

Today I had the pleasure of feeling well again. I’m not referrring to physical wellness but rather mental well being. It’s an amazing state to be in. It’s like looking at yourself through a shiny new microscsope. One that was given for free.

How does one explain such a turn around in the heart, such a somersault with the mind. It’s all old but new again. Instead of weighing you down it has the weight and strength of spider’s web. It’s wildly colourful as if replicating a kaelidoscope, a rainbow of patterns. It’s that feeling that has no equivalent for me any any other aspects of my life. It’s the pride in wrestling joy back. The feeling that the battle is won but there are no solitary victors. How can one describe the feeling of getting one’s life back to the one that was known and loved.

I am so happy tears are welling up in my eyes. It has been so very, very hard these last few months and that’s not including the months preceding these last few. I have a long history of Mental Health disorders. I have an enormous amount to be grateful for.

I want you to share a prayer with me and thank your Higher Being for the love bestowed on you each and every day. Say it sincerely as it should be said and say it with love.

Most of you will be aware that for a some months now I have been battling depression and for the second time this year I am in hospital.

My moods have been erratic but mostly down. Yesterday was not such a good day, I was very disappointed to be feeing so low but today the good news is I feel better than yesterday and better than I have for a while. I’m an expert in covering up my emotions so no one will know how I’m feeling. It’s exhausting trying to do this day in day out.

I’m finding (it wasn’t really lost just forgotten) the power of positive self-talk can make all the difference to my day. Yesterday I was using gloomy words, words with no hope. Today I’m catching my negative words and turning them around to be positive and it’s helping.

Try catching your negative thoughts and turn them to positive it really helps.

Sleep is an important function of a healthy body. Quality of sleep impacts on the quality of our health and it’s important to maintain good sleep hygiene. Sleep hygiene is the behaviours you practise to maintain optimum sleep habits. Good sleep habits help you maintain good mental and physical health.

I have been struggling with maintaining quality sleep and have had to make an extra effort to maintain good sleep habits. I have recently focused on using meditation/mindfulness to help me develop good sleep routines. It’s not easy but I’ve found the more I practise the better I get.

There are plenty of resources availabale in the form of mindfulness/meditation apps. The Smiling Mind app is one that I have used and found it to be helpful. There are many others it’s just a matter of finding one works for you.

It looks like all going well I will be able to discharge from hospital on Thursday. Dave and I can spend the night at my sisters house before driving home on Friday. Looking forward to getting out beyond the walls and routine of the hospital. I’m ready to do my own thing and set my own routines.

I’ve been in hospital since the 13th May that’s long enough for me. The hospital has been very comfortable. My only complaint is due to COVID19 restrictions to visiting hours are limited to one person per week for one hour but you can’t leave the hospital to go visiting. I’m very grateful my sister lives nearby and could come and visit me.

My favourite beach. Murramarang Beach on a stormy afternoon.

This morning I did my second DCS treatment with the help of the DCS clinic staff coaching me in administering the treatment via Skype. They talked me through the procedure to the end then I could submit my results. It was a successful procedure.

Reflections in Kakadu NP

I am disappointed I will still be in hospital until next week. My doctor wants me to have another ECT on Wednesday and today I am going to find out more about TDCS at Prince of Wales hospital. This afternoon I should have the big picture and more of an idea how long I will need to stay in Sydney.

It is the best strategy to try maintain my goal of staying in remission. Fortunately I have an endless stream of TV shows and movies to watch on my lap top. Lot’s of sitting but fortunately there’s a park for walking and a gym for weights and cardio machines which I’ve been using.

The art room is well stocked and I have kept myself busy by colouring in my Mindfulness Colouring In Book.

It could be worse.