Today is my father’s birthday. Had he lived past 76 he would have been 83. My father had a great intellect which he used to churn through books, particularly books on the second world war. He would laugh out loud when listening to The Goons show and like me loved the writings of Spike Milligan. He too experienced insomnia. He had great empathy for me, having experienced the UPS and DOWNS as I do.
When dad was good, he was very, very good but when he was bad he was horrid. In a good mood he was a big ideas man nothing was impossible. In a bad mood he’d lie in a darkened room and rail against his three children for making too much noise.
When I was forty he wrote a letter to my GP informing him that his eldest daughter had depression. How did he know? He had an insider knowledge!
At the age of forty like me he was diagnosed with depression. Only it wasn’t diagnosed as depression back then, it was called a “nervous breakdown” (which is almost exactly what happens). Anxiety gripped him and his senses were on high alert. Noise was loud, food tasted horrible, sights were unpleasant and negativity ruled his thoughts and words.
Despite all this I loved him. I loved his strong personality and on occasions hated his bossiness. When he was UP he was on fire. When he was DOWN he was often angry, particularly with his family, nothing was good enough.
Yes he understood my moods only too well and did his best to help. He encouraged me to take medication knowing it was a life saver. In those days a diagnoses of depression was generally treated with Prozac. The “silver bullet” he called it. Nowadays there is a raft of medication to treat anxiety and depression. Over the years I have tried a variety of medication from white tablets to the current dose of five little red tablets. I am still a bit alarmed at having to take so many but I was told some people take six tablets! I don’t know that this comforts me but I take them anyway because they work.
Each treatment has it’s side effects from sweaty palms and feet to weight gain and insomnia. Some side effects are annoying like a very dry mouth and others I can tolerate. Weighing them up I say to myself I’d rather be fat and happy than depressed and thin. Actually I’d rather be a “normal” person of average weight. Sadly I can’t choose my genes so I’m stuck with who I am. Fortunately for me treatment is available even though getting the right treatment can be difficult.
Today right now I’m in the UP part of the cycle which is great. Hopefully, the DOWNward spiral can be headed off before it gets out of control. Living with depression and anxiety is not a life sentence, there are many resources available to you. Finding a treatment that works is the key to surviving depression. I urge any of you who are experiencing depression or anxiety or know of someone with a mental illness to reach out and ask them “are you ok”? You could make a difference between life and death.
tbs2539 
