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​Nuture and cultivate love for yourself. The power of love comes from within. It’s deserving of your attention. Focus on how you can love. 

Reach out, ask for help. To think you are alone, hopeless and helpless is not true. There is always someone to help you. Help is always there even when you think otherwise. 

Know where to look for support. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness may be feeding your thoughts. With help you can change your perspective.

Practise recognizing and accepting your thoughts for what they are…just thoughts. You can with help, practise not dwelling on feelings of self loathing. Learn to recognise these thoughts, stop dwelling on them, let them go. 

Learn how to focus on thoughts that will help you change your perspective of the world.

Accept that you will struggle to do this by yourself. There are ways and means to get the help you need. You are not worthless or a burden on others. 

Ask for help and keep asking. You will come to realise there is help. You will learn how to starve the thoughts of unworthiness, uselessness and hopelessness.

You will learn how to let go of thoughts that steal your happiness. At the same time dwell on thoughts that feed love. 

“What day is it ?” I asked. “It’s today,” they answered. “The best day, ” I said, nodding my head. “Yes” they all answered. “Today is today, yesterday has gone, and tomorrow is yet to come,” I added.

Dear Owen and  Ellena,

I hope you will see the LOVE and JOY behind my writing.

Life is meant to be shared with LOVE and JOY. Your perspective depends on how you respond to your experiences. Life is what you make it. 

You will travel through the valleys, up and over hills and mountains. You are responsible for your unique experience. At the same time you share a similar path with others. Your life is a one way experience. 

You have been given a choice. The way you choose is entirely up to you. Life is a series of circles with no beginning or end. You can neither choose the time and circumstances into which you are born nor can you predict your death.

Life is to be lived in the present. If you believe it is not possible to change your past, then you can let go of your guilt and regrets. If you believe it is not possible to predict your next living moment, then cease your worry about the future. Fear is a destructive feeling. If you believe you can make a difference right here and now, focus on the present.

Thinking like this needs practise. It doesn’t come naturally. You are not born with an innate ability to think like this. It develops over time. Refined with constant rehearsals, smoothed and polished over as many years as you are given.

It is a life long skill you can put to good purpose for living in the here and now. This is not to say banish thoughts of the past or future. It is a gentle reminder to let them go.

A look at today, yesterday and tomorrow.

Yesterday has gone. I will let go of it. There is nothing I can do today to change my past. I have not forgotten my past. I am letting it go. Everday for the rest of my life I will remind myself not to focus on the past. Dwelling on the past brings regrets and guilt. Let it go.

Today, I am here in this moment.

Tomorrow I do not know. Not even if I’ll wake in the morning. Tomorrow is yet to come. I will let go of it. This is not saying I have no plans for the future. I have not stopped thinking about my future. Dwelling on the future brings worry and fear. Let it go.

Nuture and cultivate love for yourself. The power of love comes from within. It’s deserving of your attention.Focus on how you can love yourself. How can you love others if you don’t first love yourself. This is not a selfish.

To think you are alone, hopeless and helpless is not true. There is always someone to help you. Reach out, help is always there. Know where to look for support. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness may be feeding your thoughts, turning your focus to fear.

Practise recognizing and accepting your thoughts for what they are…just thoughts. Practise not dwelling on feelings of self loathing. Learn to recognize these thoughts, learn how to let them go by turning your thoughts to the present moment.

Accept that you may struggle to do this without help. You are not worthless or a burden on others. Ask for help and keep asking. You will find there is help and there are people who will teach you how to starve the thoughts of unworthiness, uselessness and hopelessness.

You can learn how to let go of thoughts that steal your happiness. At the same time dwell on thoughts that feed love.

This was my epiphany this morning. 💜

I have had major episodes of depression over the last 18 years starting inexplicably when I was 40. I have had four extended times in hospital to review medication and to receive group and individual therapy. The last three episodes came one after the other with only a few months in between. I managed the last two episodes to stay at home whilst seeing my psychologist once a week and my psychiatrist once a fortnight sometimes sooner.

During times of Depression and Anxiety it is very, very, difficult to convince yourself that you will and you can get better. Especially when you are in the very blackest, deepest, darkest hole Curled up in your bed wishing for an end to suffering.

Consider this….you have two choices one you get better, two you don’t. Which do you choose. If you choose the first how can you go about getting better. What can you do? Ask for help, give some of the advice a go, keep trying, focus on what helps and work on that. None of this is easy but none of it’s impossible. Small steps, positive self talk, be kind to yourself, small achievable goals.

I understand very well how depression colours your thoughts, how irrational those thoughts can be. Remember they are thoughts and thoughts can be changed. There are many skills we all learn in life from walking to talking. None come without constant practise. It’s the same with teaching ourselves how to think another way which is called Cognitive Therapy.  A way that allows us to turn our depressed negative thoughts around. It’s possible. It’s realistic. It’s achievable. One step, one day at a time. If we struggle, stumble and fall that’s part of the practise. Pick yourself up and practise some more. You can do it. It’s not impossible.

Depression is different for every person. There are I acknowledge similarities in thoughts, feelings and behaviours between people. Each person though comes from different life experiences and this can’t be replicated. How you respond to depression is way more important to focus on than the symptoms you have. I can’t stress this enough. Focus on ways that will help you improve your mental health. Learn to think and act in ways that will help you through the days and weeks ahead. Focus on what helps. Reflect on the thoughts and behaviours that enable you to live each day as best you can. Fake it till you make it!!! Rehearse over and over and over the thoughts, words and actions that improve your health. Focus on the here and now. Acknowledge the past but don’t hang on to it, let it go, plan for the future but don’t try to predict it. No one has a crystal ball. Focus, focus, focus on what thoughts, feelings and behaviour we help you right now. This works. I am a witness to this. I don’t say it is easy but you can do it. Most importantly don’t struggle on your own, it’s too hard. Ask for help. Talk to family, friends and acquaintances. Seek out professionals who are trained in supporting people with mental health issues. Dont give up you will be surprised at where help can come from. 💙 A big hug coming your way. 💚

The other day I was not feeling well. I was tired. The kind of tired that is mind numbing. I drifted from place to place in a grey, wet fog. I attempted simple tasks randomly over and over again. I was unlucky, clumsy, vague.

I won’t go into detail. Except to say there was plenty of glass. Teeny tiny shards spread all over the bamboo floor. There was also an unusual amount of loud swearing. This silvery glass incident was the straw that broke the camels back. A lot of camels were broken and I was a heartbeat away from silent sobbing.

When I thought I had scraped up all the microscopic shiny needles I decided to call it quits. I wasn’t going to do another thing. I most definitely wanted to curl up into a small and messy ball. I seriously needed some quality sleep.

Several years ago I had a sleep test. Dave was complaining over and over again about my snoring in his ear. He offhandedly said something about me not breathing. I decided it was time to submit my body to science. It was going to be a night in a swish private hospital.

There I lay, on my back with only a thin hard plastic mattress and little else. I was unable, forbidden to move. Not even for a bursting bladder. The dozen or so patches I wore were nothing to worry about. The fact I was attached to the latest and greatest in electrical wizadry was nothing to be scared of. Merely a small inconvenience. Not, I was told, very different from my own bed. The queasy feeling of sleeping in a morgue was fanciful. All I had to do was relax.

This night of private torture confirmed the observations of my soundly sleeping partner. I did stop breathing.  That night I forgot to take a breath for an astonishing seventy two times a minute. I was shocked! Afterwards in the “sleep doctors” rooms I was handed a new and unfamiliar label. Continuous Chronic Sleep Apnoea. The diagnosis was not a good one. Worse was to come.

After handing over a hefty sum of money I was soon the proud owner of the latest in twentieth century sleeping technology. A split second later I realised I was going to have to attach myself to this contraption, every time I slept. The mask I wore looked and sounded like Darth Vader. The struggles I had battling with this plastic octopus was as close as one can get to snorkeling without water. It was an unromantic addition to the bedroom.

Only recently I decided enough was enough. I was well and truly over night time juggling. The mask was no longer popular. I slept guiltily, without mask, for several days. A number of different reasons I concocted to justify the decision to ditch the mask. The main one, winning hands down was…I hate this stupid mask!

Now here I am suffering self inflicted sleep deprivation. I was totally clueless. Why had my rational thinking seeped away? Why was I sitting doing a whole lot of nothing.

Just recently I went to Moruya for a two day quilting workshop. We were given fantastic morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and even champagne and chocolate. We were also shown some stretching exercises to do when sitting at a sewing machine and we were given massages if we wanted them. Oh…we did do some sewing too!

I really enjoyed the two days. I learnt a new technique for quilting, one I had heard about but never attempted myself. The end result was a tote bag that is nearly finished.

When I came home on Saturday afternoon I was happy but tired because I had to sit and focus for a long time on my project. At times I got anxious because I couldn’t understand the instructions or I made a mistake. I also became stressed because I didn’t have time to finish the bag.

You know what I learnt? I learnt that there is usually someone who will explain instructions to you and help you get around your mistakes. I also learnt it’s not the end of world if you don’t get something finished right then and there.

Sometimes when I’m trying really hard to get something perfect or I lose something I go into immediate panic stations, thinking the worst before it even happens.

I did that when at the end of the workshop I couldn’t find my  car keys. I immediately started thinking about how I will get home, who will come to pick me up and Dave will be so mad with me. Only minutes later I found the keys right where I had put them!

At times, especially when I’m unwell with anxiety and depression it’s not easy for me to “think straight” so now when I am well I practise how to do it. I stop, breathe, step back and slow my thoughts down. I think it will not be easy for me to do this when I am unwell but if I practise now when I am well I hope I can do it.

When I am unwell the need for things to be perfect overtakes my thinking. High levels of anxiety get such a strong grip on me I worry over the most trivial things.

I remember last time I was unwell being really, really anxious about having too many eggs. I stewed over it for days trying to come up with a solution. I became really stressed about eggs. I was thinking over and over why is no one eating eggs, what are we going to do with all these eggs? Who is going to cook with them? Why can’t anyone else see this problem? Why aren’t they doing something about it?

My psychologist even gave me an egg carton because she could see how stressed I was about this. Sounds ridiculous I know. When I look back on it now I think how on earth did I get so stressed out about eggs!

Now hopefully I am learning through practise how to deal with what I see is a problem. I stop, breathe, take a step back and think is this a problem I really need to worry about.

Ages ago I learnt this old Chinese saying (well I think it is Chinese). “Worry will not change anything.” I use this to try and tamp down my anxiety and turn my thinking around. It’s not easy when I am unwell but I now know I can do it. I’ve just got to practise the steps.

Back to quilting. It was such a full on two days in Moruya that I arrived back home feeling like I had been on another planet! A planet where everything stops except quilting! It was an unreal time which I thoroughly enjoyed. I hope I can do a similar workshop next year.

This morning whilst I was under the shower I thought how grateful I am to have hot water. This started me thinking about what I can be grateful for. How grateful I am to have clean water to drink. How grateful I am to have enough water to use on the garden. How grateful I am to have a washing machine to wash our clothes and how grateful I am to be born in Australia.

Often when I’m unwell with depression and anxiety I forget about the many things that I can be grateful for. When I’m unwell I tend to focus on myself and how sick I am. I look at life from a narrow, negative point of view. I know that this perspective is not helpful and serves only to feed my depression so I have to try to turn my thinking around.

I try very hard to shift my focus to  things I am grateful for. Doing this is hard, very hard because when I’m depressed my thoughts are overwhelmingly negative. However, I have discovered over time that if I focus my mind on positive thoughts I am better able to follow through with helpful thoughts and actions.

If you find yourself anxious and depressed remind yourself constantly of the many things you can be grateful for. You will find that doing this will help you to stay focused on all the positives things in your life.