I woke again with the sunrise, it was 5:25. I wish I could sleep in. Sleeping in is usually a sign my depression is lifting. Alas not yet. I have a little routine in the morning to keep me going until the medication kicks in. It helps to keep my anxiety at bay. I shower, eat breakfast, read my book, perhaps wash up then write my journal. I write slowly at first then when my brain kicks into gear it’s a bit easier to do. I am a bit foggy this morning like most mornings. It’s a challenge to put my thoughts into words.
At the moment multi-tasking is stressful for me. I need to be doing one thing at a time and one thing only. This is living in the moment. This is how I try to control the frenzied thoughts that crash and bang around inside my head. Living in the moment or mindfulness is not an easy thing to do. It needs continual practice. It involves slowing down and using all your senses. Be like a Sloth I tell myself.
I’ve been doing a lot of sewing since I became unwell. It has become a therapy just as journaling. I try to read, it’s not easy to do when my thoughts keep jumping elsewhere. I really need to do more than sewing and journaling but I have mental barriers that pop up and say you can’t do that you’ll get too anxious and I freeze. This is frustrating. I’m not sure how to break through these barriers. I’m going to talk to my psychologist soon she will help me just as she has in the past.
I finished my last quilt block yesterday. In time I will piece the blocks together making a quilt top. A few more steps to go until it’s finished. It is wild in colour but the pattern is simple. Now I want to make a quilt from some of the scraps of fabric I have in my fabric box. I’ve found a quilting video tutorial that looks easy. I need something simple that doesn’t require a lot of thinking. Something that isn’t too demanding. I want to avoid anything that is too complicated. I want to be able to focus without becoming anxious. Anxiety is awful!
I unwrapped my new book WordPress for Dummies the other day, my heart sank. It’s about 5cm thick and is in a tiny font. I felt very discouraged I hadn’t realised it was a compilation of eight books in one. Not only am I discouraged I’m kicking myself for buying the book in the first place. Yesterday, I found some information in the book I wanted to use. I read through it twice, sat down at the laptop and read through it again step by step. When it came to the part about unzipping a zip file I was lost. Disappointed in my lack of understanding of such things. I tried again this morning. No luck. Frustrating! On line video tutorials are numerous, I don’t have the patience at the moment to find a good one. What I need is a personal assistant sitting next to me guiding me through every step. Some online tutorials want you to pay for them. I’m not prepared to do that.
Now I am going to aqua aerobics to get my morning exercise therapy, to let off steam and forget about a book that has the wrong title. Dummies don’t know about zip files. I do now how to sew in a zipper.
This photo of Koi Carp in a feeding frenzy was taken at Kuala Lumpur Bird Park Malaysia. I interpreted in two ways. This is like me in a frenzy of thoughts and actions or this is me having fun at aqua aerobics.
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